On the Longing to be Seen, Heard, and Known
If They Loved Me, They Would Know How Much I'm Hurting
Alone, in that room, there were days when I felt like I was dropping deeper and deeper into darkness, buried, unseen by those around me. It wasn’t that people weren’t there; it was as if they didn’t know how to reach me, how to make themselves truly available. I felt like a leper, standing there in plain sight, yet cast to an outer edge of society, working so hard to put words to my pain, yet still feeling invisible. ‘You have taken from me my lovers and friends; darkness is my closest friend.’ (Psalm 88:18, AMP) —it seemed to capture my world completely.
Looking back now, I was waiting for someone to save me. Hoping that someone could see what I was experiencing. I put my trust in people, wanting them to understand, to somehow know what I couldn’t fully explain. But how could they? How could anyone really perceive another person’s pain? In those moments, when no one could reach me, I felt like I was slipping further into the dark.
When depression pulls us to the edge, it would be a comfort to have someone there, someone close enough to feel (if not bear) the weight with us. But even when no one comes, there is One who is always present. Was it a mistake to put my trust, my salvation into the hands of people who I knew loved me?
First, Very Slowly, Then, All at Once
In that darkness, as depression weighed heavier, there was a moment—a memory, almost forgotten—that flickered in my mind. I clung to it, just a faint thought at first, like a small beam of light piercing the dark. I remembered something: God is all-knowing. It was as if, for a brief second, the truth of who He is broke through the haze. I whispered it to myself, hardly more than a thought—‘He knows me.’
If He knows me, then He knows I’m here, in this bed, feeling alone.
And if He knows I’m here, then He knows I don’t want to be alone.
And if He knows that…
Maybe He is here with me, even now . . .
Because He loves me . . .
This truth, hidden beneath the weight of all the pain, was like a secret finally revealed. It was as if God was reminding me, quietly, that His presence is closer than I could imagine—even when I couldn’t feel it.”
“please . . . see me!”
“In that endless struggle to keep myself together, there came a moment when I knew I couldn’t do it alone. I couldn’t keep everything from falling apart with my own strength. So, I stopped. I let myself be seen. At first, it was just a silent plea—a desperate hope to be visible, to be known in all my brokenness. And then, in a quiet transformation, I realized that I was seen. He saw me. Somehow, without words, that final request—to be seen—had already been answered. How ironic, that this was the very cry of Psalm 139:23 ‘Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.’”
And it was only then that I could finally ask, as the psalmist did: ‘Search me, God, and know my heart.’ This was the answer all along, written into His Word, as if Psalm 139 had always been waiting for me to understand. I realize now that it doesn’t mean the moment of anguish will be any easier the next time it comes. But it does mean that when that moment comes again, there is an answer. There is a place to bring that anguish—a petition to ask God to meet me, to know me, to guide me through it.
For it is written, and has been written all along: we are not alone in this battle. Once we come to this realization, we’ll recognize the dozens of psalms—the psalms of lament, the songs written in tears—that express the personal anguish of humanity’s story. They capture the feeling of abandonment, confusion, and loneliness. Yet, for every psalm that reflects this state of despair, there is an equal number that encourages us to seek God through petition and guidance. And that is what Psalm 139 is: a small beam of light piercing the darkness of the anxious heart. If we hold Psalm 139 close, we can turn on its light when we lie in our darkest room, waiting to be saved. It may not look like we imagined, but it is exactly as it was intended.
Psalm 139 (AMP)
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up [my entire life, everything I do]; You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And You are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue [still unspoken], Behold, O Lord, You know it all.
You have enclosed me behind and before, And [You have] placed Your hand upon me.
Such [infinite] knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high [above me], I cannot reach it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol (the nether world, the place of the dead), behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will take hold of me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will cover me, And the night will be the only light around me,”
Even the darkness is not dark to You and conceals nothing from You, But the night shines as bright as the day; Darkness and light are alike to You.
For You formed my innermost parts; You knit me [together] in my mother’s womb.
I will give thanks and praise to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You, When I was being formed in secret, And intricately and skillfully formed [as if embroidered with many colors] in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were appointed for me, When as yet there was not one of them [even taking shape].
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
If I could count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You.
O that You would kill the wicked, O God; Go away from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.
For they speak against You wickedly, Your enemies take Your name in vain.
Do I not hate those who hate You, O Lord? And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
I hate them with perfect and utmost hatred; They have become my enemies.
23. Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart; Test me and know my anxious thoughts;
24. And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.